Mom, Interrupted: When Childhood Trauma Meets Toddler Tantrums
I often joke that if motherhood had a tagline, it would be something like: “Motherhood: You won’t believe what hits you next.” But what happens when what hits you isn’t just the toy your toddler chucks at your head, but the unresolved trauma from your own childhood, suddenly crashing into your present reality like an uninvited guest?
The truth is, motherhood has this unique way of pulling out the skeletons we thought we’d locked safely away. A toddler’s tantrum, which should be a normal developmental stage, can feel like a trigger for your deepest childhood wounds. It’s like your kid finds your emotional button, and oh boy, do they push it. Again and again. Suddenly, you’re not just handling their feelings—you’re handling yours too, and it feels like someone left the emotional floodgates wide open.
The Trigger Trap
Picture this: You’re at the park with your three-year-old, and they’ve just had a meltdown over (wait for it) the wrong color sippy cup. Cue public screaming and the “all eyes on you” effect. Your heart races, your mind spirals—why does this feel so…personal?
Here’s the thing, it is personal. But it’s not about your kid’s tantrum. It’s about the echo chamber of your own childhood pain. Maybe your mom wasn’t emotionally available, or your needs were met with anger or dismissiveness. So when your toddler screams, “You’re not listening to me!” it doesn’t just sting, it burns. Their words poke at old scars, those ones you tried to stitch up years ago but now feel like they’re unraveling.
If you’ve grown up with trauma, even the most typical toddler behavior can trigger deep emotional reactions that leave you wondering, Am I failing? Why does this feel so hard? But trust me, this isn’t a failure. It’s an invitation—an often unwelcome, messy, exhausting invitation—to heal.
From Wounds to Wisdom
So what do you do when your child’s tantrum lights up your own nervous system like a Christmas tree? The first thing is to breathe. Seriously, it sounds simple (and a bit cliché), but trauma has a way of hijacking our body before our mind even catches up. When your toddler is in meltdown mode, and you’re mentally spiraling back to your own unmet childhood needs, take a breath. Actually, take five. You deserve it.
Next, remember that this is a moment of opportunity—annoying opportunity, yes—but an opportunity nonetheless. I call it the “wounds to wisdom” moment, where your past doesn’t get to dictate your future. Your child’s tantrum might be pulling you back into an old narrative, but you have the power to rewrite that script. When you respond with calm (even if it’s a “fake it till you make it” kind of calm), you’re not just regulating their emotions—you’re healing the parts of you that didn’t get that grace when you were young.
This is the heart of generational healing: recognizing that the way you respond to your child is a chance to give yourself what you never received. You’re the adult now. You have the tools. And while it may feel like you’re losing control in the moment, the truth is, you’re reclaiming it.
Embracing the Mess
Now, I’m not saying this process is easy. Healing trauma while parenting a toddler can sometimes feel like trying to read a self-help book during a hurricane. There will be days where you lose your cool, where your childhood wounds roar louder than your motherly instincts, and that’s okay. Let me say that again for the moms in the back: That’s okay.
Motherhood is a messy, chaotic, beautifully imperfect journey. And when trauma comes into play, it adds layers—thick, sticky layers—that make the whole thing feel heavier. But here’s the silver lining: every time you pause, every time you reflect on your own triggers instead of reacting to them, you’re not just surviving motherhood, you’re transforming it. You’re breaking the cycle. You’re teaching your child that big emotions are not something to fear or avoid, but something to move through, to hold with compassion.
The Power of Repair
I love to remind moms (myself included) that it’s not about being perfect; it’s about showing up, especially after you’ve fallen short. That’s where the magic of repair comes in. You don’t have to respond flawlessly every time your toddler has a meltdown. What matters more is that you circle back. After the storm has passed, when the toddler is calm and you’ve found your footing again, you can go back to them and say, “Hey, I didn’t handle that well, did I? I was upset, but I love you, and I’m working on doing better.”
In those moments, you’re not just repairing your relationship with your child; you’re healing a part of your younger self. You’re giving your inner child the chance to be heard, to be held with compassion.
Let’s Get Real
So, to all the moms feeling interrupted by tantrums and triggered by childhood wounds, I see you. It’s not easy parenting a toddler when you’re still healing the little girl inside of you. But you’re doing it—messily, imperfectly, beautifully. You’re turning those childhood wounds into wisdom, one tantrum at a time.
Remember, healing is not a straight line. Some days it’ll feel like you’ve made huge strides, and others, like you’ve been thrown back into the emotional trenches. But every breath you take, every moment you choose to pause instead of react, you’re breaking the cycle. You’re not just raising a toddler—you’re raising yourself. And that, mama, is the definition of badass.
Takeaway
In navigating the tumultuous waters of toddler tantrums while grappling with unresolved childhood trauma, moms are invited to embrace the messiness of motherhood as a journey of healing. Key takeaways include recognizing that your child's meltdowns may trigger your past wounds, using deep breaths and moments of reflection to regain composure, and viewing these experiences as opportunities for generational healing. By responding with compassion and circling back to repair after missteps, you not only model emotional resilience for your child but also nurture your inner child, breaking the cycle of trauma and creating a healthier family dynamic.
About the Author
Elizabeth Trujillo is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist providing virtual therapy services in English and Spanish to those living in California. Elizabeth specializing in trauma recovery, anxiety, and generational healing. With a deep passion for empowering moms to break the cycle of trauma, Elizabeth combines her expertise in mind-body-spirit modalities like CRM and ART with a compassionate, humorous approach. Drawing from her own experiences as a mother and a lifelong learner of psychology, she believes in the transformative power of emotional honesty and connection. Elizabeth is dedicated to helping women navigate the messy journey of motherhood while fostering resilience in themselves and their children.
