I Didn’t Get the Parenting Manual Either: Breaking Cycles with a Side of Sarcasm
You know how, when you became a parent, there was supposed to be this magical moment where they handed you a perfectly curated, step-by-step manual for raising emotionally well-adjusted kids? Yeah, me neither. In reality, we’re thrown into the deep end of parenting, trying to break the cycles of our own childhood traumas while dodging Legos and pretending to know what we’re doing. Fun, right?
The truth is, parenting doesn’t come with a manual, and most of us are left figuring it out as we go. Add a little generational trauma to the mix, and suddenly the stakes feel much higher. But here’s the thing: while breaking these cycles can feel overwhelming, it’s possible. And maybe—just maybe—we can tackle this with a little humor and grace along the way.
The Ghosts of Parenting Past
Let’s start with the obvious: generational trauma. The stuff that sneaks into our parenting from the shadows of our past, whispering in our ear that we’re not good enough, or that we’re somehow destined to repeat the mistakes of our parents. It’s the voice that tells you to scream when you should stay calm, or the nagging guilt that surfaces every time you give your kids a tablet just to get five minutes of peace.
Here’s the thing—none of us got the perfect blueprint for parenting, and most of us are trying to raise our kids in ways we weren’t raised ourselves. We’re rewriting the script on the fly, often without fully understanding the ways our own childhood wounds affect the way we parent. It’s like trying to build a plane while flying it. We’re making adjustments, patching things up, and hoping we don’t crash into a mountain of unresolved trauma along the way.
When Sarcasm Saves the Day
Of course, this process isn’t without its moments of pure absurdity. Sometimes the only thing keeping us from falling apart is sarcasm and a dark sense of humor. When the toddler throws a tantrum because you gave them the wrong cup—again—it helps to laugh. Not because the situation is funny, but because if we don’t, we might cry (or scream).
I’ve often found myself telling my clients that humor is one of the best tools we have in this messy business of breaking generational patterns. It’s a pressure valve, a way to release the stress of feeling like we’re doing everything wrong. Sarcasm in particular—when used with care—can give us that little buffer between the chaos of parenting and our own emotional fragility. It allows us to laugh at the ridiculousness of trying to “get it right” when “right” often feels like an impossible target.
And let’s be honest—sometimes, in those moments of chaos, it’s easier to throw up your hands and say, “Well, at least we’re not setting the house on fire today!” than to sink into the endless well of self-blame that so many of us are conditioned to dive into.
Breaking the Cycle—One Step at a Time
Breaking generational cycles isn’t about becoming a perfect parent (spoiler alert: there’s no such thing). It’s about being aware of the ways our past influences our present and making small, conscious choices that shift the trajectory. Sometimes, it’s as simple as pausing before reacting—taking that split second to choose a different path. Maybe it’s not yelling when that’s what comes naturally, or it’s learning to apologize when we lose our cool, showing our kids that we’re human and still learning. (something some of us never got and can be sooooo difficult)
This isn’t easy work, especially when we’re managing our own anxiety or unresolved trauma. And it can feel overwhelming. You might wonder how you’re supposed to help your child regulate their emotions when you’re still struggling with your own. That’s where the beauty of imperfection comes in. It’s not about doing everything right all the time; it’s about trying. Showing up, even when it’s hard, is where the magic happens.
As a therapist, I often tell my clients that breaking these cycles starts with awareness. Once we become aware of the patterns we’ve inherited, we can begin to shift them—little by little. We don’t have to fix everything overnight. In fact, we don’t have to fix everything at all. Sometimes the best thing we can do is simply be present, let go of the expectation to be flawless, and give ourselves permission to be good enough.
Embracing the Mess
Parenting is messy. Emotionally, physically, spiritually—it’s all a giant mess. But it’s in that mess that we find the real moments of growth, both for ourselves and for our kids. We may not have gotten the parenting manual, but we did get something even better: the ability to write our own.
There’s no one right way to break generational cycles. For some, it’s about being more emotionally present. For others, it’s about setting boundaries, prioritizing self-care, or learning to ask for help. Whatever it looks like for you, know this: just by being aware of the patterns and wanting to make a change, you’re already ahead of the game. You’re doing better than you think.
So, the next time you feel like you’re failing as a parent, take a deep breath. Remind yourself that breaking cycles is hard work, but it’s also brave and necessary. And when all else fails, lean into that sarcasm—because sometimes, the only way through the chaos is with a laugh (and maybe a glass of wine).
Takeaway
Breaking generational cycles in parenting is messy, challenging, and imperfect, but it’s possible with awareness and small, conscious steps. Instead of striving for perfection, focus on showing up, being present, and choosing different paths when old patterns arise. Embrace the chaos with humor and grace, because sometimes, laughter and a little sarcasm are the best tools to navigate the unpredictability of parenting. Remember, it’s not about doing everything right—it’s about doing your best, and that’s more than enough.
About the Author
Elizabeth Trujillo is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist providing virtual therapy services in English and Spanish to those living in California. Elizabeth specializing in trauma recovery, anxiety, and generational healing. With a deep passion for empowering moms to break the cycle of trauma, Elizabeth combines her expertise in mind-body-spirit modalities like CRM and ART with a compassionate, humorous approach. Drawing from her own experiences as a mother and a lifelong learner of psychology, she believes in the transformative power of emotional honesty and connection. Elizabeth is dedicated to helping women navigate the messy journey of motherhood while fostering resilience in themselves and their children.
