The Death of Small Talk: Why 'How Are You?' No Longer Means What It Used To
The Loss of Small Talk: Why “How Are You?” Feels Like an Empty Gesture
It’s a funny thing, small talk. Once the lifeblood of social exchanges, it now feels like this hollow shell we carry around out of habit, like that reusable grocery bag you keep forgetting at home. I mean, when was the last time you asked someone, “How are you?” and they actually paused, looked you in the eye, and gave you a real answer? Nowadays, the reply is a quick “Good, you?”—a reflex rather than a conversation. And it leaves us feeling just a little bit…unsatisfied.
But maybe it’s not just the words. Maybe it’s us. Maybe our inner worlds have grown so complex, so weighed down by the unspoken, that the breezy exchange we once engaged in no longer feels appropriate for what’s bubbling under the surface. Anxiety, trauma, a global pandemic (hello, existential dread) have all shifted the way we interact, often turning "small talk" into something that feels woefully inadequate.
The Worn-Out Social Script
Let’s rewind for a second. There was a time when asking, “How are you?” served a purpose. It was a way to check in, yes, but more than that, it was a social script, a kind of dance we all knew the steps to. We knew that "How are you?" didn’t require an honest answer. It was a way to open the door to conversation, to let the other person know, “Hey, I see you. Let’s chat about…whatever.”
But things have changed. Our daily lives are more fragmented, more screen-heavy, and let’s be real, the emotional bandwidth for genuine interaction has decreased. We’ve gotten so used to quick responses, thumbs-up emojis, and text threads left hanging for days that when someone asks us “How are you?” we’re almost baffled by the question. How am I? How much time do you have?
It’s no wonder “Good” or “Fine” is the go-to answer. Any deeper, and we risk tearing open our vulnerability like a piñata at a birthday party. Not exactly the vibe we’re going for in the middle of a casual exchange.
Trauma and the Unspoken Depth
From the lens of trauma and anxiety, the emptiness of small talk takes on a different shade. For those who’ve endured trauma—whether generational, personal, or a mix of both—the surface-level exchange can feel almost painful. “How are you?” tugs at the unprocessed emotions that lie beneath, nudging us toward a space we might not be ready to enter, especially in line at Starbucks.
Generational trauma, in particular, complicates this. For many, the weight of what came before us—our ancestors’ pain, survival, and resilience—sits heavy in our bones. And here we are, carrying all that, when someone casually asks us, “How’s it going?” What do you say to that? How do you summarize the complexity of inherited wounds in three syllables?
Even for those without a traumatic past, anxiety has a way of making the simplest exchanges fraught with discomfort. The question “How are you?” can feel like a spotlight on the fact that you don’t quite know. Or worse, that you do know, but it’s not the answer anyone’s expecting. The truth feels too raw, too messy. So, we cover it with a smile and a polite, “I’m good,” and move on.
The Real Talk We Crave
The irony, of course, is that most of us are craving real connection, especially in a world where it’s becoming harder to come by. Deep down, we want to share our struggles, to feel heard and understood. But we also fear being “too much,” of dumping our emotional baggage onto someone who just asked how our weekend was.
I see this often in my work as a therapist. Clients come in carrying the weight of unspoken emotions, the baggage of small talk that never went deep enough. They sit down, exhale, and let the real conversation begin—one where “How are you?” gets an honest answer. And that answer, more often than not, isn’t simple. It’s layered, it’s nuanced, it’s filled with conflicting emotions that don't fit neatly into the confines of polite conversation.
And that’s where therapy comes in. The magic of therapy lies in the space it creates for those deeper conversations—the ones we can’t have in the grocery store or while waiting for our coffee. It’s a place where small talk isn’t needed because the goal isn’t to keep things light. It’s to dig deep, to unravel the unspoken, and to sit with the complexities of “How are you?” until you have the words, or tears, or silence, to answer it.
Moving Beyond “Good” and “Fine”
So, where do we go from here? If small talk feels like an empty gesture, are we doomed to live in a world of superficial exchanges forever? I don’t think so. But maybe it requires a shift in how we approach it.
Instead of asking “How are you?” out of habit, what if we asked it with genuine curiosity? What if we asked it with the intent to listen, really listen, to the answer? And for those of us on the receiving end, what if we dared to be honest—just a little more than usual? “I’m doing okay, but it’s been a rough week,” might not lead to a heart-to-heart every time, but it opens the door to connection, however brief.
Because at the end of the day, what we all want—what we need—is connection. And sure, small talk may seem trivial, but in a world where connection often feels out of reach, even a simple “How are you?” can be a gateway to something deeper if we allow it.
So, the next time someone asks how you’re doing, take a pause. Reflect. Maybe you’ll stick with “Good,” but maybe, just maybe, you’ll offer something more. And who knows? The conversation that follows might be exactly what both of you needed.
Takeaway
Small talk, particularly the question "How are you?", often feels empty and superficial in today’s fast-paced, trauma-impacted world. For many, especially those dealing with anxiety or generational trauma, answering this question honestly can feel overwhelming. Despite the craving for deeper connections, we often default to shallow responses. The blog encourages shifting the way we approach small talk—asking with genuine curiosity and responding with a touch more honesty, opening the door to meaningful conversation and connection.
About the Author
Elizabeth Trujillo is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist providing virtual therapy services in English and Spanish to those living in California. She is trained in multiple modalities of trauma-focused healing to best support clients who are looking to feel better.
